The Strange and Terrible Tale of Spider Jerusalem

Well.

2006-01-26T22:18:40Z

So, this Nexus Wiki thing terrifies me beyond the ability for rational thought.

...Who wants to write one for Spider?

mr_one_percent @ 2006-01-23T00:31:00

2006-01-23T05:34:31Z

Well, I haven't been playing Spider lately. Haven't been playing anyone, in fact. I know you all miss me.

But I just saw the free rename thing, and since this username sucks anyway, I figure: why not?

So, what should I rename Spider's journal? What would Spider have named his journal?

No, I do not have a poll for you. Suffer.

OOC? Kinda.

2005-12-19T00:15:39Z

http://www.fuckchristmas.org/

Do I even have to play Spider any more? These guys have it pretty well taken care of.

((Guh.

2005-12-14T02:37:42Z

Fuck. Sick and moving. Will get back to RPing when I can.

Sorry about that.

))

The Platonic Revolution Marches Ever Onward!

2005-12-11T08:15:51Z

[Transcribed from Vertigo: Winter's Edge 2]

2005-12-10T00:30:36Z

In South Foulness, on the Nazareth Road, they give thanks for the day when the Beatified Mostyn Gorbals pissed down the Foulness' vat-grown Messiah's throat to save his life when his heart caught fire. December 25th is Drink-My-Urine Day in South Foulness. Which is why no one ever goes there.

The denizens of South Foulness now recognize each of their neighbor's urine by its distinctive tang and pressure.

My name is Spider Jerusalem. And I fucking hate Christmas.

The Birmingham Street boys shriek "It's Chriiiiistmas" as they descend on celebrity graveyards, exhuming, chopping up, and sorting long-dead rock stars, getting good and fucked up on the rich deposits of old drugs and crystallized adrenaline in their beery, wet carcasses.

It's a winter thing.

Inbred spawn yell and scream and fuck each other in bedrooms and on the streets while their parents slob in front of the TV and dream of living with someone else.

Church bells terrify wildlife and scare the VD scabs off old folks until Xmas-gift puppies are rounded up and strapped to the offending instruments as living mufflers.

By me.

Children spend happy daytime hours building huge, elaborate snowmen in the gardens near my apartment. And so I descend from my high perch of hate in the night with a low-power remolder pen. I lay surveillance cameras, to capture the reaction in the mornings, when awakening children rush outside to see if their snowmen survived the night --

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

--*SPKF TRANSMISSION*--

SPKF Listner: Hey--I see Spider Jerusalem! As the City
prepares to wind down for the winter festivals, Spider, tell us--what are your
plans?

SPIDER: Plans?

SPKF Listner: For the winter?

SPIDER: None.

SPKF Listner: No Christmas? No Hanukkah?

SPIDER: No.

SPKF Listener: No Festival of Winter Hearts? No Wild Hunt? No Three-Nights-of-Hands-Clasped-Against-the-Cold?

SPIDER: No.

SPKF Listner: No Drink-My-Urine Day?

SPIDER: Fuck off.

No family. No girlfriend. No friends.

No love. No hope.

No point.

And Santa Claus is dead! I killed him! [He unbuttons his pants; the panel fades to the point where it's obvious that this is being shown on TV] I killed him with THIS! And I left his stinking corpse in an underground cavern where it is raped by hundreds of toxic-effluent-crazed Gila monsters every second of every day!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SPKF Anchorwoman: Six thousand traumatized children taken to hospital after Jerusalem interview--TV station claims force majeure--Jerusalem's editor still unavailable for comment... In happier news, Drink-My-Urine Day attracted record crowds this year... *--

Your attention, please?

2005-12-09T23:30:06Z

A little OOC bit before I kick the plot into high-gear:

There now exists spidermountain, which is Spider's home on The Mountain. Most of the action from now on will take place there. mr_one_percent will generally be for Spider's writings and OOC stuff. So if you're interested in watching Spider Doing Things, watch spidermountain. Thank you.

Typing? Who does that?

2005-12-09T04:16:36Z

Look, everyone! It's Royce! Hi, Royce!

Open Call for People Who Don't Know Better

2005-12-08T01:44:05Z

My journalistic gonads, they are tingling. It's been three years since I departed from my quest for Truth, in favor of the simple life of a Mountain-dwelling, hillbilly shitfarmer. For a while, I was at peace.

No longer. My massive and mighty Meat Cannon of Journalism is steaming and remanding action! But I am alone in my endeavors. Chanon is in California on her, what, third book tour? Fourth? And the short one is back in the City with a staff gig. She's not that good.

So it has come to this. I need direction, and I need assistants, certainly of the filthy variety. Please post suggestions and resumés below. A note: If you don't enjoy fetch quests or being shot at, this is the wrong fucking job for you.

Your Unholy Master,
.SJ

Am-in-al issues.

2005-12-07T22:33:16Z

So. I have recently come into posession of a kitten. It is tiny and orange and adorable. It is currently being referred to as ... The Kitten. This needs to be remedied. Any suggestions?

(Will accept IC or OOC answers -- just 'cause you're fictional, doesn't mean that your opinion doesn't count!)

Being awesome, and saving your fucking SOULS in the process.

2005-12-05T07:33:28Z

Couple things. Celebrating a new OOC icon. Also, the coining of a phrase with the intent of saving a bit of the dignity of the fandom community.

BroTP, BRŌ-tē-pē - Term for a pair of males who are perfect for one-another in a completely non-romantic, non-sexual context. Properly notated with a symbol other than a slash.

E.g.: "Salazar+Vex: BroTP."

Spread the completely platonic bro-love.

More OOCness.

2005-11-30T18:52:23Z

In case you missed the D_M post, I'm looking for people to Photoshop Denis Leary into Spider Jerusalem, because I'll be damned if he's not the perfect actor for the role.

, for example (Thanks again, JPmun!). It's perfect, but I would like more, and I fail heartily at Photoshop, I do. So, if you can pull off one of proper quality, I shall reimburse you with an icon -- most probably a silly OOC one, because I'm better at Silly than I am at Pretty.

Think of it as a challenge. Current requests include, but are not limited to: "Smoking," "Angry," and "With a Gun."

As ever, I love you all.

HOY THAR GUYS!

2005-11-30T07:41:38Z

Look at the icon JP'mun made!

Isn't it AWESOME?!

NOT FOR PUBLICATION. [accidentally not private]

2005-11-24T21:05:01Z

Fuck me running... I miss it. I miss that filthy fucking city and the filthy fucking things that happen there. It's been... hell, more than a year since the Smiler went down.

"Political fighting", the Filthy's father said, "is a disease." I am having symptomatic outbreaks. There are festering boils of Truth sprouting on my journalistic gonads. And there's only one cure. Hit the streets. Find the Truth. Write.

Fucking brain. It rebels against me, even now. I'm not as young and brilliant as I used to be. This'll take some work.

Fuck.

Fuck.

OGODSTHEICONS! :D

2005-11-24T00:43:23Z

I badly want to play Spider more, so Spider needs some plot!

Refresh me: what are all your character-y types up to?

mr_one_percent @ 2005-11-22T20:54:00

2005-11-23T01:54:24Z

Whichever one of you bought me a year's worth of LJ is a fucker.

And thank you.

Night of the Living Edit: And thank you for the extra icon space.

mr_one_percent @ 2005-11-21T10:32:00

2005-11-21T15:32:34Z

Doug Thompson is a very polite Spider. (watch for pop-ups!)

The Meme-tastic Voyage!

2005-11-15T21:59:09Z

Spider hates your character! But how much? Ask, and you shall receive!

mr_one_percent @ 2005-11-14T21:13:00

2005-11-15T02:13:52Z

I have SO MANY DAMN Spider icons, and only three slots! Weh ist mir! </whine>

(X-post to D to the M)

2005-11-14T07:09:17Z

All right, calling all clever, crafty Nexusites; I need some help.

Last April, I went to a convention dressed as Spider. It took 9 hours of Sharpie work to get all the tattoos down, but I managed second place in the contest, and a free ticket to next year's convention.

Now, to the question (No, I was not just showing off!): I want to do this again this April, because I really liked the costume, and it got a lot of compliments. What I don't want is to spend another 9 hours being tattoo'd and missing the actual convention-y bits! So, I thought to make a skin-toned suit with all the tattoos on it. The problem: I don't know how to go about that. I need something skin-tight and skin-toned that will hold some form of black ink nigh-permanently.

Suggestions, anyone?

Meme whore!

2005-11-10T22:57:36Z

Mini-Spider (photoshopped into rightness)

Kinda tiny-me. This program discriminates against bearded men with fedoras.

Request-a-rant #1

2005-09-16T03:38:19Z

Y'know what fucking pisses me off? What makes so rancid with rage that five years worth of backed-up semen ejects violently through my tear ducts? People who treat their fucking dogs better than they would their own children. You know what I'm talking about. These spiny-buttplug-wearing abortuses dress their fuzzy little coprophagiacs up like cowboys, or porn stars, or fucking bees, or something equally retarded, and parade them around like they're the greatest goddamn things ever, showing 'em off like a new bumpy green dildo in a convent. You know, the heat-seeking kind.

And then, these dickwipes don't have the decency to put the little ass-blasters on leads like they do with their own filthy progeny. They have to carry them around in fucking sacks, as is fitting of shit, because they're so much cuter with their little legstumps flailing about. This, while offensively stupid in its own right, doesn't bother me. Dogsacks, like purses, are ridiculously easy to steal, and act very damn well as little doggie slings. Ever play the kitten cannon game? Like that, but much more satisfying with your own muscle behind it. You've gotta supply your own landmine for the end, but damned if it's not worth it.

Then, maybe the best part: Give the dog back. Always carry a camera.

mr_one_percent @ 2005-09-03T13:37:00

2005-09-03T17:37:33Z

Fucking dreams lately. I need to lay off the drugs.

Look who's back, fuckers!

2005-07-03T23:16:36Z

mr_one_percent @ 2005-04-13T23:40:00

2005-04-14T03:40:04Z

So, I laid down a verbal smack on Mary fuckin' Poppins.

I don't know whether to feel proud or just dirty...